I really wonder how you feel on these nights so alone

“Easier said than done.”

Sometimes, I feel the past and the future pressing so hard on either side that there’s no room for the present at all.

Thursday, July 14, 2011 || 12:01 AM

'I decided…that I could go on being scared forever, that I could keep walking, that I could carry my rage around, hot and heavy in my chest forever. But maybe there was another way. You have everything you need, my mother had told me. And maybe all I needed was the courage to admit that what I needed was someone to lean on.'

-Jennifer Weiner

Usually we walk around constantly believing ourselves. “I’m okay” we say. “I’m alright”. But sometimes the truth arrives on you and you can’t get it off. That’s when you realize that sometimes it isn’t even an answer—it’s a question. Even now, I wonder how much of my life is convinced.

All human beings search for either reasons to be good, or excuses to be bad.

Saturday, July 9, 2011 || 7:10 PM

All the slacking and relaxation was put to a halt when school resumed on friday. You've got to agree that the teachers mark at an amazing speed man. We got back a few results and to no surprise, I did badly. But I ain't gonna complain. I just sat quietly and looked at my paper. Cos whatever grade I received, I derserved it. Deserved it totally for not studying, for not completing my revision, for wallowing in my emotions. There's nobody to blame except for myself and I accept the fact. No excuses.

No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality.

|| 6:01 PM

I really should stop being so vuglar on my blog. Im not usually this vuglar, probably except when I'm pretty worked up. (Or maybe I'm always pretty worked up recently?) Im giving off such a bad impression over here lol. And yesterday you said there's like an eff word appearing in probably every 2 sentences. And I thought, that's right, I didn't used to be like this.

Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011 || 11:17 AM

I am simply me,not superwoman, not wonderwoman. I am NOT capable of such great things. I get stressed. I get overwhelmed. I am human too you know. I can't just handle all these shit that you demand. You can't see all these fucking loads that Im carrying. Just because I make them invisible to you doesn't mean it ain't there. They’re fucking real and fucking existing. There are so many fucking things you don't see but I am still facing them everyday. Even though I don't talk about them doesn’t mean it isn’t there. No matter what I always try I ALWAYS do. But there's a freaking limit to how much I can handle you know. I feel like Im breaking soon. Yall keep saying and thinking I can do it I can do it. I can't. Alright, I can't. I fucking can't. Yall give me more credit than i deserve alrdy. I not that great and capable you know. Im just nothing. Nothing great. Just because I used to be better, to be in control doesn't mean anything. The stress, the everything is GETTING TO ME. I can fall too you know. Im not that fucking great. And sometimes I hear all this from you guys and I think, is that really the truth? Am I undermining my own capabilities? How come yall have so much fucking confidence in me. Am I really truly capable of these or its just cause you don’t see the obstacles I face. I really don't know anymore. Im just tired. Idk. Maybe I just have no confidence in myself? Why does this whole world think I can. Maybe I truly can. But in this state idk how to believe.

YOU are in no fucking position to say such things of me when you know SHIT about me. You're just fucked up in your POV. You think you know me. You THINK. But HELL NO. YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT. You don't even understand how fucking hard it is to be in my shoes. So when I keep thinking about what you said to me I just fucking rage inside of me. FUCK YOU BITCH. Who are you to fucking judge me for who I am and you are so fucking humji you don’t even dare to say it directly. You're just a fucking coward. :) Want to say but dun dare say. Seriously, it just makes me look DOWN on you. Likka humjikia only. I wish you could just fuck out of my life.

YOU will never ever ever EVER under-fucking-stand the circumstances i am in and just how fucking fucking hard I’m trying. Just because you don’t see me trying doesn’t mean Im not. There are so many things you don’t see and its so fucking unfair for you to judge me like that. I cant keep up with all these fucking lies. I cannot do this. And my lies won't work cos you'll just see right through me. So tell me how am I supposed to walk this journey. Im such a bad liar HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THIS.

And I need to stop being such a fucking emo kia. Seriously. Everyday emo not sian meh. WTH. Seriously cannot stand myself. Small thing also think. Think this think that. Everything think so much. Stop it la. Wth. Stop emoing. Stupid girl. And I need to stop being such a freaking sensitive woman. Idk why just one small shit can make those tears well up in my eyes. Fuck. When did I become such a weakling. So damn annoyed. YOU BETTER TOUGHEN UP. SUCK IT UP AND BRACE YOURSELF. Enough of your shit.

AND SERIOUSLY YOU JUST DUN FUCKING GET IT. Why do I even bother trying to make people understand. I thought you would but actually you don’t. I need to stop trying so hard because sometimes people just don’t understand. ACCEPT THAT AND SUCK IT UP BITCH. Oh why the hell am I even scolding myself ahahaha. I’ve lost my fucking mind.